Sleep disturbances Appetite disturbances Absentmindedness Social withdrawal Dreams of deceased Avoidance of reminders Searching/Calling out Restless overactivity Crying Clinging to reminders Treasuring objects
Cognitions
Disbelief/Denial Sadness Confusion Preoccupation Sense of presence Auditory and Visual hallucinations
*****
Sometimes, it becomes anger as a deeply rooted fear tries to come to the surface, and sometimes the anger lands on an unintended target.
Anger will make you say and do things you would not normally do.
I have a lot of fears.Sometimes, I deal with them in a quiet, calm and rational manner. Other times they explode to the surface, taking on a life of their own.
For years, I emotionally numbed myself to those fears. Refusing to feel them out of another fear that if I acknowledged them, they would somehow control my life. Turns out, by not dealing with or acknowledging them, they did just that.
I was forever constructing walls and barriers around my emotions and my heart. When things got too intense or people got too close, I would flip a switch and the Ice Princess would be summoned from her post deep inside. I could picture it in my mind so very well, she would rise up as if levitating,getting inside my brain. She could stare straight through you, the eyes and face revealing nothing.
I allowed people to get just so close and when it started feeling uncomfortable, they were met with many, many layers of walls and barriers.
That started to change one night in 1995, as I looked into blue/gray eyes, and saw the same things that I knew lived in me. The change was slow.....VERY slow.....taking place in bits and pieces over the course of 12 years.
It is a very intense, emotional,exhausting, scary and at times gut wrenching process. At last, I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am connecting the dots with my emotions, fears and reactions. Sometimes it hurts those that I love,though that is not my intention.
Love, patience and understanding of those closest to you is very important in the healing. As long as those things are kept inside under lock and key, healing will never occur. So, if you want to see the bright side, be thankful when they do surface.
Many times, someone fighting a battle with their fears and emotions,needs the strengh of love, a safe harbor while the storm rages and a soft place to fall.
One of my favorite old gospel songs,'Til The Storm Passes By, says it best:
"Till the storm passes over, till the thunder sounds no more, till the clouds roll forever from the sky.....Hold me close, let me stand, in the hollow of thy hand, keep me safe, 'til the storm passes by."
It was August of 1995. Basking in the after glow from hours of making love, he held me tenderly in his arms as we drifted in and out of sleep.
The radio was playing in the background and the sun would be coming up soon when the opening bars of Travis Tritt's, "Anymore", filled the air.
We had already passed the saying, "I love you", stage in our relationship. I said it first (under duress), followed by him a few weeks later.
To be perfectly honest, I wasn't totally comfortable or at ease with my feelings. Truth was, the depth and scope of them, scared me to death. I was constantly in battle, all at once trying not to admit them to myself or him, and yet, getting lost in them at times.
As Travis sang the beautiful ballad, emotion was threatening to come to the surface. Emotion that I wasn't comfortable with showing to other people, especially this man holding me in his arms.
This nagging feeling settled over me like our time together was running out, that times like this would be few and far between. Had no way of knowing that less than a month later, he would be gone from my life as quickly as he entered it.
The more I tried to surpress the soft tears that were beginning to flow, the harder they were to contain.
"What's wrong,Baby?" He asked softly.
"Promise me something", I said trying to disguise the emotion I was feeling.
"If I can."
"Promise me, even if it's a lie, promise me that one day we'll go see Travis in concert....he'll sing this song and we will remember this moment."
He pulled me closer to him, kissing my neck.
"We will Baby. I promise."
Things were up and down, on and off after that for years.I had no way of knowing at the time, that things were getting ready to change in a major way.Each time I would hear that song, it carried me back to that morning in his arms.
August of 1996, found me at a Travis Tritt concert, but not with him. The rain,which had played a key role in bringing us together, poured down on and off through the entire concert, every raindrop a reminder of the man I loved, each one stinging me and spelling his name as they fell.
Travis took his guitar and sat down center stage on a stool beside Marty Stuart and began playing, Anymore. I was glad for the rain that night as they covered my tears.
After many starts and stops, January 3,2002, over 7 years later, finally, here we were in the concert hall of the BJCC waiting for Travis to take the stage.
At this point, things were somewhat strained between us. Halfway through the show, Travis took a seat and began strumming, Anymore.
I reached for his hand, laying my head on his shoulder, the warmth of a distant memory and a promise fulfilled melting my defenses.
"Do you remember that night in 1995 when I asked you to promise me that one day we would see Travis in concert, that he would sing this song and we would remember?" I whispered.
"Yes. I remember, and now, here we are."
A few months after this magical moment, we would go our separate ways. For 2 years, 1 month and 19 days, the song was bittersweet. Sometimes bringing me a warm feeling, other times making me angry.
Alot has changed since then. In many ways, we aren't the same people, and as Martha would say, that is a good thing.
This song takes me many places and evokes many different emotions when I hear it.
Enjoy Travis Tritt as he sings, Anymore.
(THIS CONCERT WAS FILMED IN CHATTANOOGA,TENNEEFLIPPINSEE, ONLY WEEKS AFTER WE SAW HIM AT THE BJCC.THE SET UP IS THE SAME AND HE IS WEARING THE SAME BLACK LEATHER OUTFIT)
I still remember where I was the very first time I heard this song. It struck a chord with me even then. This is my VERY,VERY favorite song in the whole wide world.
Randy Meisner orginally did the lead vocals. This song wasn't in the line up for the Hell Freezes Over tour (which I saw in Atlanta). I was VERY...VERY.... pleased at the B'ham concert in 2002, when Glen Frey introduced the song, taking over the lead. The crowd went wild....(including me).
Come on ya'll, let's TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT, with THE EAGLES......
I have many blessings in my life and today spent time counting them. However, this post, is dedicated to one of the best things that has ever happened to me in my life, THE YANKEE.
I love this man more than words could ever express.He is everything that I have ever wanted and needed, all wrapped up in a very handsome and sexy package!
Very easy on the eyes,lips I could kiss forever...the man even makes my toenails sweat!
The night we met, I knew that I would never be the same.
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