A heaviness has taken up residence inside me. It burns and pounds in my chest. Hot tears roll down my cheeks unannounced and I couldn't tell you why if my life depended on it.

I'm tired. Tired of the struggle. Tired of the ups and downs. Tired of the roller coaster of emotions. Where is the middle ground....a safe harbor to wait out the storm? Where is shelter from the storm?

I want to throw in the towel and say: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! TOO MUCH EBB, NOT ENOUGH FLOW....TOO MUCH STOP....NOT ENOUGH GO. I can't. I know I can't. But, I want to. There is an old gospel song that says: I've got too much, to gain, to lose. Do I.....do I really?

Where is my firm foundation, a solid place to stand, a soft place to fall? Where the fuck is it? Here today, gone tomorrow....taking a day off....?

I spent a lot of time deep in thought over the weekend. Weighing things out in my mind....... What is sure and certain and what is not...always vs sometimes....pleasure vs pain....

Oh, none of this makes sense. I am bouncing all over the place like a rubber ball and it makes me ANGRY!

Funny that all of these thoughts and feelings are running loose in my mind, yet, I can't even write about them here!!!! Can't be honest and write what I really want to write!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been there all along.....I see it, yet won't acknowledge it to myself.

I am drowning here, searching the shore for someone to throw out a lifeline...there's no one there. I have to save myself.

I want to turn it off....I want so badly to turn it all off, say, THE HELL WITH IT....Dig deep down inside me, beg the Ice Princess to return and take control, just long enough to get me through this rough spot.

Don't worry if none of this makes sense to you, because it doesn't to me either, I'm just rambling. Saying things without really saying them, which adds up to saying NOTHING! Oh, well....like the song says......"You say it best, when you say nothing at all".

The things you hear the loudest, are the things that go unsaid.
The things you see the clearest, are the things that go undone.

The proof is in the pudding,my ass is in the fire and I lit the match!

I love the song by Travis Tritt, Just Too Tired To Fight It Anymore. It fits perfectly with what I am feeling right now.

CHORUS:
And I've been fighting back the memories
I've been fightin back the tears
And I'm fightin back the hurt I still feel
After all these years
If I had the strength I'd fight
To make things like they were before
But I'm just too tired
To fight it anymore

(On second thought...I don't want things like they were before. Hell no....Piss on that!)

AND...THIS PART ESPECIALLY AT THE END OF THE SECOND VERSE:

But the nights alone grew colder
Than I ever thought they'd be
And I spend every hour searching
For what you took out of me.

(Still searching)

STANDING AT THE CHALKBOARD OF MY LIFE WITH A SUPER DUPER GIANT ERASER, AND I AM WIPING THE SUCKER CLEAN!

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

Therapy is going very well. Things are coming together. Not always in a nice, tidy little package wrapped with sugar and spice, but most of the time covered in layers of piss and vinegar.

What I didn't expect was the anger and rage. My therapist says that is good and even normal. Sometimes it gets misguided and hits a target that I didn't intend for it to hit. I guess I have to be more careful with my aim.

I didn't realize that I have carried around a ton of guilt. Guilt about the rape itself, and about my actions, or lack of actions after it occured.

There were signs and signals that I ignored along the way. I didn't report it, didn't tell my family. In fact, for years only 2 other people on the face of this earth besides me and the perp knew. And look at me now....here I am flippin' blogging about it!

I confessed to someone last night, that for years I dreamed of cutting off his dick, putting it in a meat grinder, making a milkshake out of it, then making him drink it. Oh, and I wouldn't have wasted the balls either....I'd be wearing them as earrings!

To know that I was not alone in these thoughts and feelings, wow...that was a light bulb moment for me.

I discovered his name in the obit section of the paper not long ago. I should have felt relief or at the very least a little more secure, I mean...he is six feet under....who is he going to hurt now...?

I didn't remember putting his obit in my wallet. I do remember clipping it out, though I couldn't tell you why. Friday afternoon, pulling some money out of my wallet, the obit came tumbling out.

Why....? Why.....do I have the obit of the man that raped me in my wallet? This bastard, decided that my virginity was his to take...that my first sexual experience would be rape....? Why is it in my wallet..?

Maybe to make me feel safe....to reassure myself that he is dead... I don't know.

What has amazed me is the number of women here on Blogstream who have experienced the same thing. Boggles the mind, and yet, I remained silent. What if he raped another woman.....what if it was your daughter....sister... wife...mother...friend.....am I not in part responsible?

Without question I could have told my parents. But, I knew, it would have almost killed my Daddy. He would have taken responsibility for it, blamed himself for not protecting me. I couldn't stand for him to look at me for the rest of his life and think about it.

In a county like this, the news would have spread like wildfire. People would look at me, some with pity, others might have thought that I did something to provoke it. They would point and whisper to one another.

I thought I was protecting my family by keeping silent. As it turns out, I protected him. And that is hard to live with.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

Your Birthdate: September 21

You are certain and confident when you choose to love someone. Even though your romantic choices may be unconventional - you stand behind them. Your friends never know you as well as a romantic partner does. Number of True Loves You'll Have: 4 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1 You are most compatible with people born on the 3rd, 12th, 21st, and 30th of the month.

I think those numbers need to be reversed!

Your Love Life is Like Titanic

"Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless." You think that you only really have one true love in your life. And that you better do anything and everything to be with that person. You tend to be very nostalgic about past loves that didn't work out. There are many secret feelings that you keep to yourself. Your love style: Deep and emotional Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Bittersweet

Like I needed a quiz to tell me that!

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

I'M NOT STUPID

                 and

 

I'M NOT DUMB

DON'T PISS ON MY SHOE AND TELL ME IT'S RAINING....

DON'T BLOW IN MY EAR AND TELL ME IT'S A TORNADO

 

BE GOOD OR BE GONE

                    OR

BE GOOD AND GONE.

 

WHEN LIFE GIVE YOU LEMONS........

MAKE LEMONADE....

THEN.......

FIND SOMEONE THAT LIFE HAS GIVEN VODKA

AND HAVE A PARTAY!

 

OKAY...I'VE GOT THE LEMON'S...WHO HAS THE VODKA....?

 

Later Ya'll...^Belle^