There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he,turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could, always be good
Someone who'll watch over me
****************************
I remember as a young girl watching from the sofa as my parents danced around in the living room while Frank Sinatra crooned about having, "Someone To Watch Over Me".
Even though I was only a few feet from them, as they looked into each others eyes, they were all alone.
At that moment, I knew, I wanted the kind of relationship where after 15 years of marriage, I could still get lost in his eyes and the world would be our dance floor.
I was caught up in the warmth of love the two of them created.
My own union years later, would lack everything that my parents shared. I wasn't first on his list, but, that was okay, eventually he would realize that I was there. Thing is, I kidded myself to even imagine that I was on the list at all. Truth is, I wasn't. Something, or someone was always more important. And, that was okay. Eventually, he would realize that I was there. He never did.
In therapy, I am connecting the dots from my past to the present. Things from childhood associated with my grandmother,aunt and her daughter, never made me feel accepted. I was different. Not one of them you see because I was adopted. Someone's mistake.
A marriage to a man who never, ever saw or even acknowledged me,expept when he needed someone to beat the hell out of or emotionally/mentally belittle, and of course those times when I was required to fulfill my "duties" as his wife. And, beleive me, I do mean, REQUIRED. Even during those times, I wasn't there.
Still, I thought, if I can just be good enough or do enough, maybe, just maybe he will see there is actually a pretty nice person inside me. Maybe, he would see me. Maybe, I would be important to him. Maybe, he would even be the "Someone to watch over me". And maybe, if my butt wings I could fly!
A good portion of my life has been about trying to prove to people that I am NOT a mistake, or disposable. Not an easy thing to admit. In fact, I darn near choked as the words came up on screen. To that end, I have put up with alot.
I have accepted being last on the list, if I am even on the damn thing or not.
I have accepted being flipped on and off like a light switch.
I have accepted, sometimes with a breaking heart and broken spirit,BS that others throw my way, all the while holding my tongue and denying my true feelings.Not even acknowledging the hurt to my own self! I just resolve to be better. To do more.
Well, guess the hell what....? Not any longer. I don't have to settle. I don't have to turn a blind eye and pretend things aren't happening. I don't have to stick my head in the sand. I don't have to wear the rose colored glasses.
I am making peace with ME. I don't have anything to prove to anyone.
I may be, "lost in the wood", but, I'm not standing still, not waiting to be rescued.
At the top of my list is a new entry and it says:
ME.
Later Ya'll...^Belle^
