Something very,very strange is happening in, with and around my life these days that I can't really explain.
My therapist says that I am doing very well, and I feel that I am. Things are clicking into place. I am asserting myself in situations and with people as needed,(most don't like it..but hey...that is their problem not mine). I am setting boundries about what is and is not acceptable to me and for my life.
I passed a giant hurdle this week ( an assignment from my therapist), and did so without floundering. In fact, I went above and beyond the assignment. The pay off was feeling better about myself, gaining some more self respect, and a high five from Dr. M.
The calendar is very important to me these days, and not for just keeping up with the date. It gives me a visual of what I need to see. I admit, in the beginning, as each big,black X was added, I felt a sense of sadness and it gnawed away at my own self worth. Yet, I find, that more and more with each one I add, I feel a sense of power, and control....a little anger too...but Dr M says that is healthy...it is what we do with the anger that is important.
For months, I felt sick each time I added an X to the calendar. I would think to myself: "Oh, God...here goes another one." But now, I feel a surge of some kind and I'm like: "Yeah, Baby...here goes another one to keep the others company." It also helps keeping another calendar beside the "X Marks The Spot", one, that has check marks. When I compare the 2, the meaning is crystal clear, and I am starting to feel really good about it. Almost empowered in a way as I know, there will soon come a day, when I will stop making X's, because it won't matter. Rather than allowing the X's to define and validate me, they define and validate (or invalidate) something else. Something that I did not want to see. But, see it I do.
The conversation Monday during therapy, I found very helpful, as he told me:
"Think about the people in your own life that you don't make time for and tell me why?"
DING...DING...DING....LIGHT BULB MOMENT! I know why I don't make time for them. I know what that says about their position in my life...So, now...I have to turn it around and see it on the flip side...what it says about my position in the lives of others. And that is where the calendar has been most helpful, and at last, I am starting to see and accept that.
Before, I was turning it inside to myself, and it was eating me up. I felt like I was running a race, always trying to prove something to someone....To prove that I was worthy....that I was worth the effort. But, you know what...? SCREW THAT! I don't have anything to prove to anyone. You know what else...? I am strong, and I will survive.
Since yesterday, this song has very much on my mind.There is a very long history and story associated with this song. Here is the one and only Dolly Parton singing, OLD FLAMES CAN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO YOU.
Later Ya'll...
PS..I AM PUTTING THE CHAT ROOM BACK UP, AND WILL BE CHECKING IN LATER....SO...SOMEBODY STOP BY AND TALK TO ME.....
Since September of last year, it has been one thing right after another. They continued to stack up, pile up and back up until now, the stack is enormous. I can't see through,over, under or around. All I see is this giant pile of circumstances,pain, heartaches, and lies. Lies, I told myself, and lies I believed.
Things I held near and dear to my heart and soul are tainted. The memories not as sweet, the vision not as clear, the words....hollow and without meaning.
A wide variety of feelings is associated with this pile of pain. Among those, anger and also, a deep sadness.
Something inside me died and something was lost as each time a new layer was added.
I seem to have lost my ability to dream, believe or hope. Does that mean the rose colored glasses are gone for good and I am at last seeing things through the eyes of reality.....or does it mean that I am jaded..?
Dreams vanished right before my eyes, hopes faded. The only thing that grew was the pain.
"I walk along a thin line darlin' Dark shadows, follow me.... If your not real Then I'm condemed to.... The Edge of reality...."-Elvis Presley-Edge Of Reality
I am standing in a new place, seeing things with new eyes. Eyes that don't dream and a heart that doesn't hope or believe.
Everything I believed to be true and real....everything that I held on to....bit by bit was destroyed.
""Like a ship with no harbor Like a bird with no wing Like a fish out of water, A dreamer without a dream...."-Travis Tritt-If I Lost You
CLOSING STATEMENT: MY NAME IS NOT SEVEN ELEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am finished being a convenient woman....It's just not "convenient" for me to be "convenient".....
So, here I am, at a turning point in my life. I may be on the Edge Of Reality, and I may be a Dreamer Without A Dream...But at least I will NOT be convenient.
