Something quite remarkable happened today during my session. A door to the past opened up,giving insight into the past and present.

It started innocently enough when I commented to my therapist that I had been adopted at 7 1/2 months of age.

"That is key information", he said to me.

He knew I was adopted as that was one of the first things we discussed when I began my therapy. What I hadn't told him, because I didn't think it was important, was my age at the time of the adoption.

I didn't understand why that would be so key. After all, I had no memory of that. He explained that while I may not have a conscious memory of that life changing event, I would certainly have a sub conscious memory of it.

Being suddenly removed from the only home you have ever known, the people that have raised and cared for you since birth, taken away from everything and everyone that is familiar. There is no way that could not have an effect on a person and their emotions.

He began to list the ways this could manifest itself: Insecurity, abandonment issues, self doubt, fears, etc.

Even though I was raised by loving parents in a wonderful home, somewhere in the back of my mind was a fear of it all going away. A fear of not being good enough and being abandoned.

I wonder now, as I write this, if that could explain other things as well, like, putting other people and their feelings before mine. Or the driving need to shower the people in my life with love and understanding, to nurture and make them feel safe and secure. Giving people the very things I want for me, yet not expecting or even demanding the very same in return. Could this explain the "doormat" mentality? Could this be why I give, and give, and give some more,never receiving anything back in return? Am I not as good as they are?

Could this be why I am so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, of making people angry? Could this be why I apologize for things I have no business apologizing for in the first place? Could this be why I refuse to confront and acknowledge my feelings or others when I have been hurt?

Is this why I give people the freedom to hurt and use me?

Is this why, when people just up and leave my life at the drop of a hat, that I feel the need to pull them back in....to try and prove that I deserve their friendship or love...?

Not easy to write, and even harder to read.

I don't have the answers to any of those questions, but, I really do feel like a door has opened.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

Dang, I am really on a roll here, so, I might as well go with it. I feel as if, mentally and emotionally, I am on the verge of something. I am so close to it I can feel it. But, it scares me. There. I said it. It scares me, okay? The question is, why? Am I afraid of what I might discover about myself, or about others? I don't know.

So, I have completed 2 letters as per my assigment. One to a "nose rubber" and the other to a "finger pointer".

Meet the "Nose Rubber". Chances are you have at least 1, if not more in your life. I must be special, I have 5! You know who the nose rubbers are, they are the almighty and perfect people in your life. They never do anything wrong. Their children never do anything wrong. They are ALWAYS, the first ones to jump right in and say, "I, hate to say it, but, I told you so."

The cold,hard truth about the "nose rubber", is that, they DON'T hate to say, "I told you so", in fact, they take a great deal of pride and joy in saying it. Makes them feel good about themselves to rub YOUR nose in YOUR mistakes. They probably get aroused just by saying, "I told you so", and are doing mental high fives to their smug,self satisfied little selves.

They NEVER miss an opportunity to "nose rub". They are so busy, rubbing noses, and offering expert advice about EVERYTHING, that they can't see their own faults and mistakes. And believe me, they have them!

Closely related to the "nose rubber", is the "finger pointer". They share alot of the same traits. The "finger pointer", can never accept responsibility for anything! If by chance they do something wrong, or heaven forbid make mistake or an error in judgement, they will very quickly point a finger at you. Even though the mistake was theirs, the fault is somehow YOURS. I have 3 "finger pointers" in my life.

They delight in disecting and taking apart everything you say, think and do. The pay off being of course, the opportunity to point a finger. GET A LIFE!

The "finger pointer" has an explaination,reason and excuse for EVERYTHING, and it all comes back to YOU, the one on the receiving end of a pointed finger.

My advice to "nose rubbers" and "finger pointers" is this:

CLEAN UP YOUR OWN SELF AND LIFE BEFORE YOU START TRYING TO CLEAN UP MINE.

UNLESS YOU HAVE LEAD A PERFECT AND SPOTLESS, MISTAKE FREE LIFE-DON'T YOU DARE RUB MY &*()(*&(*)(*& NOSE IN A DAMN THING!

WE CAN DISCUSS, AND AGREE TO DISAGREE, BUT DON'T YOU DARE POINT YOUR SMUG FINGER IN MY FACE! TRY IT AND I WILL BREAK THE $%^&^% OFF AND WEAR IT AS A NECKLACE!

(I NEED TO POINT OUT, THAT,THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANY ONE PERSON. THESE ARE SOME OF THE FEELINGS I ADDRESSED AND WROTE ABOUT IN MY ASSIGNMENT.)

There are too many things I have kept inside for MUCH too long. I don't know who said it, but, I AM MAD AS HELL AND I AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!

My therapist told me Wednesday, that if I started on the assignment and felt as if I needed an extra session this week, that he would be glad to see me on Thursday. I just hope that I can keep the emotional ball rolling until then.

Now that I have vented a little, I'm going to fix myself a drink,go sit outside. I have composed a list of the "nose rubbers" and "finger pointers" in my life, and once I get outside to the table, I am going to set their names on fire and burn them up! (Something I learned from Colo, and something I tried with amazing results).

CHEERS,BOTTOM'S UP AND BURN,BABY,BURN!

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

My thoughts most of the day has been on my letter writing assignments. I have gone over them in my mind at least one hundred times. Then, I notice, that even as I mentally compose them, I am sugar coating and censoring. I wasn't looking forward to spending all day here in the house alone with my thoughts. I needed a distraction and got one when Princess called wanting me to come over and see her early Mother's Day present from Super Trooper.

The drive over there was strange in the fact that for the first time, I didn't turn on the radio or pop in a CD. I did a little mental rewind while asking myself why it is that I can engage with some people during times of disagreement, but totally disengage with others.

Why is it, at times and under certain circumstances, I don't have a problem with telling someone to hold their cotton picking horses, and will jump right away to my defense. At other times, I just shrug my shoulders in a "so-what" manner and say nothing.

Even as I write this, I am censoring myself by deleting and erasing. Afraid that someone will be offended, or take it to mean something that I didn't intend at all. Afraid that I will once again find myself being grilled and raked over the coals.

Why can't I just say what I want to say, write what I want to write about the way I feel?

The truth is, there is one in every bunch. There will always be someone walking around with a giant chip on their shoulders, just waiting and ready to pounce on any and everything that strikes them the wrong way.

I married a man like that. I lived my life in a constant, "Double Damned" state. Meaning, I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. So, I guess, you just learn to remain silent and hold it all inside.

He never did support my singing and playing in any way,not even in church or with a Gospel Group. I didn't know which was worse, the times he stayed behind, or the times that he came along.

If he came along, I was grilled and questioned about EVERY move I made,EVERY word I said and EVERY person I spoke to.

If he stayed behind, I was an unfit mother and a sorry excuse for a wife. But that wasn't news to me, since I was told that on a daily basis. In his mind, I had made a poor choice and showed just exactly what kind of a low life, good for nothing I really was.

Finally, I decided, it wasn't worth it any more, and quit. Not just quitting the group or my church, I quit everything.

There were so many times, thousands of hours, when I would have to sit and listen to the same old stuff, over and over and over. He would call me every name in the book then get right in my face, screaming for me to tell him that he was right. Silently, I would tell myself that he wasn't right, that I was only saying the words to appease him. Yet, each time, it seems, I retreated farther and farther inside myself.

By the time I arrived at my daughter's house, I felt like a dark cloud had settled over my head. I tried to be as excited as she was over her new set of wheels and placed a fake smile on my face. Truth is, by this time, I was mad as wet hen!

God always knows what we need and provided it in the form of my grandson, Trooper Junior who came running toward me, chubby little arms reaching up, a smile on his face and screaming, "Me-Ma!".

I lifted him up in my arms and kissed his blonde head, while he squeezed me. The past 24 hours had been HELL, but I had just found my silver lining.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

It's been a pretty rough day. I should be sleeping right now. But I can't.

Too many different emotions spinning around inside me. My therapist says, emotions are good, and I need to accept and deal with them as they arrive. Not just the good ones, but the bad as well.

He also says, I need to stop hiding inside myself. Especially when I feel hurt and wounded. I'm working on it.

I tried to hide my emotions from Daddy when he called last night. Notice, I said, "Tried".

Just hearing his voice on the other end of the phone, hearing him tell me everything would be fine, made me feel better. There is something about unconditional love that makes you feel secure.

As I said in my other blog, last week I had made a lunch date for Tuesday. Of course, at the time, I had no idea that Mr Ben would die, or that I would be asked to sing at the funeral. Listening to his son on the phone, I had to make a decision. My decision was to honor the request of the family on behalf of Mr Ben to sing at the funeral and hope my lunch date would understand why I had to cancel and reschedule.

I am okay with my decision, though it has been deemed as not being loyal. I did what I thought and felt was right, not meaning to hurt anyone in the process. But, as it turns out, I did.

Good thing I will be seeing my therapist later this morning, because right now I find myself confused.

Can someone get a basket for this basket case...?

UPDATE:

My therapist sent me home today with an assignment. I am to write letters(to specific people) to address and acknowledge my feelings. I don't have to send them if I don't want to, but I can't destroy or erase them. Not sure how I feel about that. Some will be easier to write than others, and I wonder why that is.

I guess holding things inside for so long is never good. Old habits are hard to break. It was/is easier to just shrug my shoulders and say to myself, "Whatever".

Years of my life spent with the spawn of Satan, being put down, blessed out,criticized, over each and every little thing, every decision and move that I made, I guess you just reach the point where you shut down. It's easier to say, "Yeah. You are right."

Thing was, you couldn't win with him. He was angry if you disagreed with him and even angrier when you agreed!

Anyway,it feels like perhaps, I reached a turning point today.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

One other thing: Thank you all so much for your kind comments, both pubic and private. They mean so very much! I always find emotional support and a compassionate ear here on the stream.

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Later Ya'll...^Belle^