Today is the day I marked on my calendar in October of last year. Didn't dawn on me at the time that is was also, April Fool's day.....isn't that ironic?
For months, I dreaded this day. But, now that it is here, I am glad.
Today is the day, I start living my life.
Today is the day, I stop going backwards.
Today is the day, I stop waiting.
Today is the day that I LET GO.
No longer holding on to a dream from the past, and living in the future. I am here, living in the present.
Today is the day, I stop making choices and decisions based on something that may or may not happen, months or years in the future.
The past is gone.
The future isn't here.
All I have is NOW.
So, far, I have been presented with 2 very different options that arrived totally out of the blue. Rather than dismissing them right from the get go, (due to living my life in a holding pattern), I am actually entertaining them!
As I revamp my life, send good thoughts and positive energy my way.
Old habits are hard to break, and today is THE day I break them!
I was oddly calm sitting in the waiting room. Our session Monday had went very well (according to him), and here I was again on Wednesday.
Right away he noticed that I wasn't fussing with my purse, or checking his bookshelf to make sure that everything was lined up correctly, properly faced and spaced out to suit my need for order and balance.
"So, how are things today?" He asked, like he always does.
"I feel like crying."
He moved a box of tissue toward me. A silent way of giving me permission.
Before I knew it, I was crying. Not the angry, white hot, livid tears of Monday that drop out of your eyes like bombs from a plane, these were quiet ones that slip out of your eyes, rolling down so soft and slowly they warm your cheeks.
The night and morning before, spent pouring through old journals and a manuscript, had presented me with an image that I did not like.
I started to reach for the phone and dial the familiar number like I had done so many times in the past. The number that had initially been so very difficult for me to dial, the words, "I need someone to talk to", that at one time was near impossible for me to say, had over time become second nature.
The voice on the other end of the phone, always compassionate, always there, a constant and lifeline in an uncertain world.
"Why are you crying?" He asked gently.
I am tired of the roller coaster. Tired of chasing the unattainable....tired of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Tired of making excuses to myself and for others.
Tired of trying to open doors that are always locked.
Tired of trying to check into places that are occupied.
Hurt me, I cry. Cut me, I bleed. I'm not made of stone.I live among people, yet, I am alone.
There are times when as much as I want or try to pretend, I'm not strong.
Times when I want to take off the mask and know I have a soft place to fall.
Looking up, I could finally answer his question.
"I'm tired of crash landings."
Below, is one of the most BEAUTIFUL, TOUCHING, SENSUAL and ROMANTIC, love scenes ever, from the movie, The Horse Whisperer. Not one word is spoken between the actors, yet, thousands of things are being said. The song, LOOKING FOR A SOFT PLACE TO FALL, is haunting and fits the scene and my mood perfectly.
If you have at least one tattoo, do the survey, if you don’t then pass it on!
1. Have you ever cried during a tattoo? NO
2. When did you get your first tattoo? 43
3. What was your first tattoo? ROSE BUD WHERE THE STEM MAKES HIS AND MY INITIAL.
4. Which tattoo is closest to your heart? THE ONLY ONE I HAVE
5. Do you have a matching tattoo with someone? NO
6. Do you have a tattoo that someone messed up on? NO
7. Do you have anyone’s name tattooed on you? NOT A NAME,BUT AN INITIAL. ACTUALLY 2,NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, HIS AND MINE.
8. What was the most painful tattoo you received? I ONLY HAVE ONE, AND IT DIDN'T REALLY HURT THAT MUCH.IT WAS MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN ANYTHING....I MEAN...HAVING A STRANGE MAN WITH A NEEDLE VERY CLOSE TO ONE OF MY "GIRLS".
9. How many tattoos do you have? 1
10. Do you plan on being heavily or moderately tattooed? NO
11. Do you have a tattoo that you constantly have to explain? I MIGHT HAVE TO IF OTHERS SAW IT, BUT THEY USUALLY DON'T. THE EXCEPTION BEING WHEN, THE YANKEE TAKES IT UPON HIMSELF TO SHOW IT TO SOMEONE.
12. Have you ever gotten an infection from a tattoo? NO
13. Which one took the longest? IT ONLY TOOK ABOUT 30 MINUTES
15. Did you tell your parents? HECK NO!
16. Do you regret having gotten any of your tattoos? NO
18. What are you going to get for your next tattoo? ?????
FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ASKED LAST YEAR, HERE IS A PHOTO (HAD TO CROP IT REALLY CLOSE) OF MY TATTOO. THIS WASN'T JUST A SPUR OF THE MOMENT DECISION, BUT ONE THAT OCCURED OVER THE COURSE OF A COUPLE YEARS. IT MEANS MANY THINGS TO ME. IT WAS SOMETHING THAT I DID, NOT JUST FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR THIS YANKEE THAT I KNOW, LOVE AND WOULD SOMETIMES LIKE TO STRANGLE. ANOTHER SPECIAL THING ABOUT IT IS THIS:
He was THE FIRST, THE VERY,VERY, VERY FIRST, (other than myself and the artist) TO SEE AND TOUCH IT. I wanted that honor, to be HIS and his alone. Now, how many people can say the same ?
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