A wise person once told me:

"Not making a decision about your life, is the same as making a decision to do nothing."

Sounds resonable to me. In fact, that has pretty much been the status quo of my life for more years than I care to count. BUT.....that is soon coming to an end. The date is clearly circled on my calendar.

This wasn't a rash or spur of the moment decision, I have been planning, mentally and emotionally preparing for it since January. Trying to wrap my mind around the changes. I admit, at first, I dreaded it, and with each passing day, a sick gnawing feeling rested in the pit of my stomach.

I am embracing a new thought process. One that puts ME in the drivers seat.

The goals I set for 2008, begin with baby steps. The first step, is to unclutter my life. Get rid of the dead weight, things and people that drag me down and keep me from moving forward in life.

My journal and calendar work hand in hand, giving me not only a visual, but making a statement. And, the statement it makes is loud and clear:

THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE.

The next step was making a list of everything I did NOT want.

I DO NOT NEED:

PEOPLE WHO DO NOT NEED ME.

PEOPLE WHO DO NOT REMEMBER ME.

PEOPLE WHO LIE TO ME.

PEOPLE WHO USE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.

PEOPLE WHO TAKE MORE FROM ME THAN THEY GIVE.

PEOPLE WHO LEAVE ME WITH MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS.

PEOPLE WHO DO NOT RESPECT ME.

PEOPLE WHO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.

I am sure, at one point or another, we all have people like that in our lives. Perhaps we tell ourselves that since we are aware of who they are and what they are doing, they can't harm us. Oh, things may be wonderful....for a while...and, let's face it, when it is wonderful, it makes us feel good....BUT...then....comes the turn around...and, so we wait...(tick...tock...tick...tock...) for things to get back to wonderful again.

This is MY time.

I am the one making decisions for my life, and the main decision I have made, is not to waste another second of it, thus, it is time for a major uncluttering.

Guess what....as THE day fast approaches, I can breathe easier and feel lighter. I don't worry or pace the floors, wringing my hands waiting on this or that....SCREW THAT....I'm going forward with my life.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

SONGS FOR THIS POST:

ROW...ROW...ROW YOUR BOAT

YOUR GOOD GIRLS GONNA GO BAD

I WILL SURVIVE

GAMES PEOPLE PLACE

WASTED TIME

USED TO BE MINE

NOT READY TO MAKE NICE

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should)

AND LAST...BUT NOT LEAST.....

KISS AND SAY GOODBYE....

_________________________________________

A few years ago, I fell in love with a song by new artist Jimmy Wayne called, Stay Gone.

I played it over and over and over, singing it to myself all day long as if some kind of prayer:

"I've found peace of mind,
feeling good again,
On the other side,
Back among the living...."

That is very much the way I have been feeling the past couple of weeks.

For so long, I have been STUCK in the same old place. Adrift on the sea of life, just letting my boat be tossed to and fro by what ever ill wind that came along.

The past year in therapy has equipped me with oars, and I now realize that I had them in my posssession all the time. The oars I am speaking of, is quite simply, MAKING DECISIONS. A line from an Eagles song, Already Gone comes to mind: SO OFTEN TIMES IT HAPPENS...THAT WE LIVE OUR LIVES IN CHAINS...AND NEVER EVEN KNOW WE HAVE THE KEY.

By not making decisions in and about my life, I was at the mercy of others,captive to THEIR decisions.

That gets inside you, messes with your head,self esteem and worth. You feel helpless as your boat rocks to and fro waiting for their next decision. All the while, I am alone in my boat on the sea of life,drifting to where ever the decisions of others take me.

With a new year, came a new plan for my life. Decided by ME and not someone else.

I have set goals and deadlines for myself, and at last......

I AM ROWING MY OWN BOAT!

I had to let go of barriers in my own mind that were weighing me down and keeping me in the same shallow waters.

I had to let go of fears.

I had to decide not to waste anymore time. Enough is enough. No more living in the past or the future. All I have is the here and now. It is up to me to make the best of it. I have to take what I have, use it to my advantage and stop sitting here twisting in the wind, living in limbo waiting for a miracle.

I had to address doubts and face truths, about myself and others.

One door closes and another opens.

You say goodbye to some things and hello to others.

Life has a way of holding up a mirror, and allowing us to see in the lives and actions of others, things we could not or refused to see in our own.

That is just what has happened in my life over the past 12 months. And, you know what....? I didn't like what I saw. I argued with myself. It was hard to overcome years and years of denial. Yet, when faced with the picture life presented me....there was no way I could deny it any longer.

My granddaddy Campbell was fond of saying:

"You can't ride two horses with one ass".

I didn't understand it then. I do now, as I have observed it first hand in my own life, and second hand as an observer. And, I have reached the only conclusion that I could reach. It is time to take my horse out of this particular race.

So, as we enter into the second month of the year, things that got away from me are once again back in control.

I am sailing away from the port of indecision.

I am back among the living and rowing my own boat.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

Something very,very strange is happening in, with and around my life these days that I can't really explain.

My therapist says that I am doing very well, and I feel that I am. Things are clicking into place. I am asserting myself in situations and with people as needed,(most don't like it..but hey...that is their problem not mine). I am setting boundries about what is and is not acceptable to me and for my life.

I passed a giant hurdle this week ( an assignment from my therapist), and did so without floundering. In fact, I went above and beyond the assignment. The pay off was feeling better about myself, gaining some more self respect, and a high five from Dr. M.

The calendar is very important to me these days, and not for just keeping up with the date. It gives me a visual of what I need to see. I admit, in the beginning, as each big,black X was added, I felt a sense of sadness and it gnawed away at my own self worth. Yet, I find, that more and more with each one I add, I feel a sense of power, and control....a little anger too...but Dr M says that is healthy...it is what we do with the anger that is important.

For months, I felt sick each time I added an X to the calendar. I would think to myself: "Oh, God...here goes another one." But now, I feel a surge of some kind and I'm like: "Yeah, Baby...here goes another one to keep the others company." It also helps keeping another calendar beside the "X Marks The Spot", one, that has check marks. When I compare the 2, the meaning is crystal clear, and I am starting to feel really good about it. Almost empowered in a way as I know, there will soon come a day, when I will stop making X's, because it won't matter. Rather than allowing the X's to define and validate me, they define and validate (or invalidate) something else. Something that I did not want to see. But, see it I do.

The conversation Monday during therapy, I found very helpful, as he told me:

"Think about the people in your own life that you don't make time for and tell me why?"

DING...DING...DING....LIGHT BULB MOMENT! I know why I don't make time for them. I know what that says about their position in my life...So, now...I have to turn it around and see it on the flip side...what it says about my position in the lives of others. And that is where the calendar has been most helpful, and at last, I am starting to see and accept that.

Before, I was turning it inside to myself, and it was eating me up. I felt like I was running a race, always trying to prove something to someone....To prove that I was worthy....that I was worth the effort. But, you know what...? SCREW THAT! I don't have anything to prove to anyone. You know what else...? I am strong, and I will survive.

Since yesterday, this song has very much on my mind.There is a very long history and story associated with this song. Here is the one and only Dolly Parton singing, OLD FLAMES CAN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO YOU.

Later Ya'll...

PS..I AM PUTTING THE CHAT ROOM BACK UP, AND WILL BE CHECKING IN LATER....SO...SOMEBODY STOP BY AND TALK TO ME.....

Get your own Chat Box! Go Large!

A PROUD MEMBER OF HEARTLESS BITCHES INTERNATIONAL

Get your own Chat Box! Go Large!

Later Ya'll...

Since September of last year, it has been one thing right after another. They continued to stack up, pile up and back up until now, the stack is enormous. I can't see through,over, under or around. All I see is this giant pile of circumstances,pain, heartaches, and lies. Lies, I told myself, and lies I believed.

Things I held near and dear to my heart and soul are tainted. The memories not as sweet, the vision not as clear, the words....hollow and without meaning.

A wide variety of feelings is associated with this pile of pain. Among those, anger and also, a deep sadness.

Something inside me died and something was lost as each time a new layer was added.

I seem to have lost my ability to dream, believe or hope. Does that mean the rose colored glasses are gone for good and I am at last seeing things through the eyes of reality.....or does it mean that I am jaded..?

Dreams vanished right before my eyes, hopes faded. The only thing that grew was the pain.

"I walk along a thin line darlin'
Dark shadows, follow me....
If your not real
Then I'm condemed to....
The Edge of reality...."-Elvis Presley-Edge Of Reality

I am standing in a new place, seeing things with new eyes. Eyes that don't dream and a heart that doesn't hope or believe.

Everything I believed to be true and real....everything that I held on to....bit by bit was destroyed.

""Like a ship with no harbor
Like a bird with no wing
Like a fish out of water,
A dreamer without a dream...."-Travis Tritt-If I Lost You

CLOSING STATEMENT: MY NAME IS NOT SEVEN ELEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am finished being a convenient woman....It's just not "convenient" for me to be "convenient".....

So, here I am, at a turning point in my life. I may be on the Edge Of Reality, and I may be a Dreamer Without A Dream...But at least I will NOT be convenient.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^