I did pretty good last year on the number 1 resolution on my list, which was to lose weight...37 pounds and counting. YEAH FOR ME!!!
That will continue to be in the number 1 slot again this year.

Number 2:

TO DANCE IN THE LIGHT

That is from something Colo wrote that I LOVE! I want to dance in the light, in all areas of my life.

If there is no music....I'll make my own.

I if don't have a partner....I'll dance alone.

It is time to dance with life, rather than fight with it.

Number 3:

KNOW WHEN TO HOLD'EM, KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM

I've always had trouble with knowing when to walk away. What good is holding on to something that has let you go....? No good that I can see. Just send them on their way, wish them well,wave bye-bye and slam the door behind them.

Number 4:

LIVE MY BEST LIFE

That goes hand in hand with number 3. The best revenge is living well. Whatever life holds for me in 2008, I will make the best of it.

Number 5:

BELIEVE WHAT I SEE (In other words:SHOW ME)

I am a firm believer in giving folks the benefit of a doubt. Sometimes, too much so. I'm the one that ends up being hurt and paying the price. Just because the mouth says it, doesn't make it so. The mouth may say it, but the actions will prove it and back it up. After all, as the song says, "You say it best, when you say nothing at all." AMEN!

Number 6:

GREAT IN 2008

I want/need a great 2008. No more letting people pull my chain and jerk me around. For too long I've been, "...living in the broken home of hopes and dreams" -(Bon Jovi-Have A Nice Day).

This is time for ME. I DO deserve good things. I DO deserve to be loved and for my love, friendship and devotion to be respected and returned. Truth is, I never thought that I did, thus, I took whatever crap people passed my way. But, as Robert Burney wrote in his book, Dance Of The Wounded Souls, unconditional love, doesn't mean being a doormat. Sometimes, it means protecting yourself, even from people that you love.

As I think about that, you shouldn't have to protect yourself from people that love you....right...? I mean, if someone really, REALLY, loves you, it will show....right...?

Here is to a GREAT 2008, and to dancing in the light.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

"When someone loves you, it should FEEL like they love you."-Robert Burney

Since my session yesterday, my mind has been going wild. Several things have clicked into place.

I realize that I am and have been looking for the kind of love I had growing up. It was a love that was stable, secure, full, complete,unconditional and warm. A love that made me feel safe and protected. A love that was constant.

Yet, on the flip side of the above, was the relationship with my grandmother, aunt and her daughter. I never felt accepted. I felt less than, not good as, disposable. Was that because I was adopted and didn't share their bloodline or DNA...? I thought so.

Around them, I always felt on the outside looking in. Someone's mistake that ended up in their family tree that they only abided.

Two very different pieces of the puzzle. Always trying to prove myself to the terrible trio, that I WAS as good as them, that I DID deserve to be loved and accepted.

I see now why I am always in conflict and doing battle with myself in certain relationships. Especially those that are, "In The Moment", relationships.

I have had, "In The Moment", relationships, where, when you are together, it produces the same feelings I got from my parents. I do feel accepted, loved, safe and protected. But....guess what happens when the moment is over......? Out of sight....out of mind.....you go back to the Terrible Trio feelings, and I try to reconcile the two, and wonder, how can you get milk and Pepsi from a cow...? How can you get the same thing from 1 relationship? Which one is real and true?

At least growing up, there were 2 very different groups in play.

So, I thought about that all day, wondering what it meant, until I read the above: "When someone loves you, it should FEEL like they love you."

That made me think of a wonderful Sinatra song, called, All The Way. That has to be the answer. There is no in between. It is all the way or no way.

All The Way Lyrics (Frank Sinatra)

Frank Sinatra - All The Way Lyrics

(S. Cahn, J. Van Heusen)
[Recorded April 29, 1963, Los Angeles]

When somebody loves you
It's no good unless he loves you all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you all the way

[Chorus:]
Taller than the tallest tree is
That's how it's got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue sea is
That's how deep it goes if it's real

When somebody needs you
It's no good unless he needs you all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in-between years come what may

[Bridge:]
Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way all the way

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

Had a much needed session today. I was concerned because of things that have happened over the past couple of months and especially this one.

After making so much progress and taking giant steps forward, with myself and others, it was distressing when I checked my, Mail Waiting To Be Sent, folder to discover once more, dozens and dozens of unsent letters. That was shocking to me, because for many months, it has been empty.

Looking at it the other day, I felt like a failure. The familiar pull of things going in reverse, taking me back to circumstances, feelings and emotions of several years ago has caused a giant wall to be reconstruced. The unsent letters was evidence of that.

A restlessness stirs inside me, churning around and around. I reach out for something that isn't there. Get angry at myself when it can't be found, and crawl back inside, to where it is dark and familiar.

My level of trust is at an all time low, even for me. The following is from, Dance Of The Wounded Souls by Robert Burney.

8. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth.


13. Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven't gotten it by now, guess what...start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you'll be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you'll recognize it when it's given to you.

So, my question to my therapist today was: What if there is no one there to tell the truth to?

His response: You must start with yourself.

What about those times when you need someone and instead all you get is a busy signal or a No Vacancy sign?

His response: Don't dial a busy number,or try to check into a place where a vacancy does not exist.

Reading Colo's blog one day, she posted something that caught my eye and resounded inside me:

I build emotional walls to see who cares enough to tear them down.

Sharing that today with my therapist, he shook his head in agreement, saying that was a common defense mechanism.

That brought another question: What if the one tearing them down and seeing through them, isn't the one you want to tear them down?

It wasn't an easy thing for me to open up and share my thoughts, doubts and fears. Isn't easy asking for reassurance. Devastating when you do so anyway, only to be ignored and dismissed.

I don't want to revert back to who and what I used to be. To borrow from Colo, I want to come out of the dark and dance in the light. I find myself afraid as the past taunts me in the present, wagging a finger in my face, shouting: I TOLD YOU SO.....!!!

I showed him a calender from December,2001, asking him to compare it to the calender from December,2007. He carefully looked at it, making note of all the big black X's and other notations.

"Here it is, in black and white, proof that my life is one giant circle. See how very simialar they are?"

His response: Only if that is what you choose.

He suggested that I send the items in the, Waiting To Be Sent, folder. I thought about it most of the day, until I finally deleted them.

In a way, it made me feel sad. It felt like failure. Yet, the Ice Princess, was most pleased once they were deleted. She doesn't like it when ^Belle^, ".....has her slip showing..." (Old Southern saying that means showing your feelings).

You listen, but don't hear
You look but don't see
I'm standing here, waving a flag...
Hey....REMEMBER ME...?

As 2007 comes to an end ( not a moment too soon), I have to celebrate and embrace all that I have learned this year.

*When someone shows you who they REALLY are....BELIEVE THEM.

*Love is constant, not on and off.

*Sometimes you have to step back and allow yourself to SEE and then BELIEVE the actions over the words. Anyone can say, "I love you","I want you", "I need you", but if the actions don't back it up, don't believe it. As a former pastor use to say: That is bow legged lie in short britches."

*To thine own self be true.

*If the words and actions don't go hand in hand; STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN.

*He's Just Not That Into You, is a book every girl/woman should read.

*It's not who says they will be there that counts, but the one who IS there.

*Trust your instincts.

*Winning isn't always the one who can hold on the longest. Sometimes it is one with the courage and strength to let go.

*Walking away is never easy, but it sure beats being made a fool.

*Unconditional love doesn't mean being a doormat.(Dance Of The Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)

*SHOW ME, is a very good motto.

Days from now a new year will be here and it will be bittersweet. I made a promise to myself some months ago and have waited patiently for the signs. They never arrived. Not the ones that I was looking and praying for at least. The other ones, the ones I hoped never to see again, have been getting stronger and stronger with each passing day,all but slapping me in the face. Cold, harsh, silent slaps that I can not ignore and demnand that I take action.

Any praying people out there, please keep me in yours.

All I know is right now, I am hurt. Very, very, very, hurt, scared and ANGRY. I feel emotionally/mentally betrayed, dismissed, ignored,blued,SCREWED and tattooed. Now, I guess my slip is really showing.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

THANK YOU,GOD

For the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight,
because she is home with me and not out with someone else.

For the husband who is on the sofa, being a couch potato
because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes
because it means she's at home, not on the streets.

For the taxes I pay because it means I am employed.

For the mess to clean up after a party,
because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug
because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work
because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing,
windows that need cleaning
and gutters that need fixing
Because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government
because it means we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the lot
because it means I am capable of walking and have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill
because it means I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church who sings off key
Because it means I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing
because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day
because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours
because it means I am alive.

And finally, for too much E-Mail
because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

Later Ya'll...^Belle^

Later Ya'll...