I came here almost 5 years ago with no expectations or notions other than just testing the waters and to see for myself what this thing called blogging was all about.

Slowly over time I became more and more brave, sharing things I never thought I would share. It felt safe here to me and warm. I felt among friends who accepted me with open arms.

Over time threads of your lives were woven into mine. You became so much more than faceless bloggers, you became friends.

We have laughed together, cried together, shared joy and pain. We have been silly and serious.

This place feels like a second, cyber home to me. A place where I can be myself, say what I want to say, say it anyway I want to say it. I could lose myself and cast away all pretenses of being so and so's daughter, granddaughter, sister or mother.

That safety, comfort and acceptence I felt here quickly began to vanish when I realized that certain people,closely related to me had possibly discovered this blog and me.

I found myself writing less and when I did, it always lurked in the back of my mind that cynical,judgemental,self righteous eyes of the above mentioned people, were here, going over each and every word, every entry and every comment.

After yet ANOTHER verbal lashing about all of my faults and shortcomings, all of my failures as a mother and grandmother or person in general, after enduring more mental and emotional abuse, I gave up and deactivated both of my blogs here. The intent was to let the smoke clear and return maybe in the fall.

After doing so Tuesday, with echoes of the dirty names I was called and the hate and anger filled voice echoing over and over inside my head, I slumped down into the floor in the living room. Above me a picture of my Mother. Pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, I buried my face. Everything inside me screaming out and needing my Mother.

I went through the rest of the day and night like a wounded animal. Only wanting somewhere to hide, a soft place to fall.

Sleep didn't come easy, but once it arrived, it didn't come alone. Riding on the wings of slumber was a beautiful dream:

I saw her approaching and my heart pounded with joy. She was radiant and glowing, gliding across the floor.She pulled me to my feet and I fell not just into her arms, but it seemed into her.

The 22 years since her death vanished. I felt so warm, so loved and protected. I didn't want it to ever end, but I felt her pulling away and cried, begging her not to leave me.

She smiled and said she had never left me, she had always been, always would be with me. She lifted up my chin with her finger, looked straight into my eyes and said:

"Live your life for you. Not for someone else."

I have thought about that all day long.

In closing, I'm back and I'm back to stay. Back where I feel accepted and embraced......And....I feel safe in saying that Mother would approve.

Later Y'all...^Belle^